The Bombshell Factor™

Hello Bombshells!!
I love Fall!! The leaves are changing~ I so enjoy the changing of the seasons especially this year.
Let’s get right to it my darlings…do you feel like you are crazy sometimes? Does it seem like you are in an amazing relationship one minute and Psychoville the next? Do you ever feel jealous of your fellow Bombshells because you think their relationship just seems so much more “normal” than yours? Well, sit down, breathe a few cleansing breaths, and let’s talk. I have a couple of people that I would like for you to meet.
Meet Pattie. She is an amazing Bombshell with a heart full of love. She works as an interior designer and is basically a very happy Bombshell. She is crazy about a guy that she met years ago. He (let’s call him Paul) swept her off her feet with his words of love and adoration and she fell for him in a big way. He often mentioned marriage, and she knew at some point she would love to settle down and have a family. His quiet demeanor and great qualities drew her in and she loved spending time with him. Until it went south…until she felt like she was crazy sometimes. But now she was in love and in deep. Let’s see if you and Pattie have any of these things in common and we’ll see if we can get this figured out.
1. Although they can have a great time together, Paul sometimes seems aloof with Pattie. Simple questions like “how was your day?” are met with vague non-answers. She has no idea why. He was just on the phone laughing with his brother and now seems so distant.
2. Paul doesn’t often tell Pattie that she is beautiful. (She is.) He is certain to be Mr. Charming at work however, and the gals at the office think he is always so attentive. “Lucky Pattie!” they say!!
3. It is sometimes quite obvious that Paul is checking his email while on the phone with her. When she says she is ready to hang up and go do something fun, Paul wants to stay on the phone and is irritated that Pattie doesn’t want to be on the phone with him.
4. If given the choice between doing something that would make Pattie feel loved or having his co-workers think he is Mr. Wonderful, he goes with the latter most every time. It is very important for Paul to have the admiration of the women in his office, even though he is physically faithful.
5. When Pattie gets frustrated with Paul because she feels like something is “off kilter” and she voices a feeling about that, instead of opening up and working through the issue, Paul immediately shuts down and pouts. For days. But when the phone rings and the neighbor needs help with moving a piece of furniture, Paul hurries over with a great big grin on his face as if nothing ever happened. “Paul is so amazing!!” say his neighbors.
6. When Pattie wants to connect on a physical level, especially after a day or night of connection, Paul falls asleep and leaves Pattie longing for intimacy. She has no recollection of anything from the day that should have triggered anger at her…as a matter of fact he even mentioned earlier in the day how he was looking forward to being alone with her.
7. Pattie told Paul about an upcoming housewarming party for Saturday night. When Saturday morning rolled around, Paul loaded up his fishing gear for a weekend with the boys. When Pattie reminded him about the party, he hugged her and kissed her and charmingly told her that he forgot. When she got frustrated and told him it was important to her, he pouted and drove off to to the lake. When he got there, he told his buddies how Pattie never lets him have any fun. “Poor Paul!!” say his buddies.
8. When Pattie gets to her wits end and says this isn’t working for her, Paul cries and begs for forgiveness and says he’ll change. And then he goes back to the newspaper.
9. Paul deeply loves Pattie, but when they start feeling close and it looks like it just might work after all, he shuts down. And then when Pattie has to go on an out of town business trip for a night, he calls a married girl-friend from his prior job. Although Paul feels nothing romantically for her, he makes sure she feels special…after all, Paul IS Mr. Nice Guy. Paul accidentally mentions to Pattie that he spoke to the old friend…he prefers to keep his women friendships a secret because it helps him feel in control of his destiny. When he sees the light leave Pattie’s eyes, he feels weird that he just spent time entertaining someone that in actuality means so little to him and is way below Pattie in looks and intelligence while the girl he loves longs for his connection. So he drinks a 6-pack a little earlier that night to keep the hunger and longings of his soul at bay.

Whew. Deep breath here my darlings. Do you see some of this chaos in your relationship? There is a name for this, and it isn’t crazy, and YOU aren’t crazy. It is called passive aggressive disorder. Many of us have heard that term but didn’t know what it was. Now you do. The next question is this: what can you do about it?
Nothing. Really.Nothing. It isn’t yours to fix dear Bombshell, it’s his. You can tell him that it hurts you deeply and ask him to please get some counseling for it, or you can stand idly by and accept that the truest longings of your heart will never be fulfilled with this man. Hopefully your Paul will have the courage to get help with this so that you can have an amazing relationship that you and he BOTH long to have. If not, remove your rose colored glasses and please consider what your future with him looks like. This condition does not go away on its own…and even worse, is very easily passed on from generation to generation. If he does not get healing, you and your children’s emotional health is at stake. And mark my words dear Bombshell…as he gets older the stuffed, unexpressed anger that leads him to shut down gets more intense and your pain and loneliness even greater. If it is evident that he is not willing to change then consider what it would take to get your own life back to Bombshell…even if that means blessing him and leaving to start a new life without the drama. So my dear Bombshell, welcome to Crazytown!! Is this REALLY where you want to live? XOXO Gigi Belmonico
p.s.If you have endured this or know someone that has, please write! I want to hear your story. If it is private and you want to share with me, write to me at gigi@gigibelmonico.com and I will keep your confidences…you have my Bombshell word. If you want to share publicly, please do…just hit comment! Bombshells, we are here for each other. Bombshells stick together!! XOXO Gigi

8 Responses to “Welcome to Crazytown Bombshells!!”

1. Callie Ramsey Says:
   October 9th, 2011 at 4:37 pm

   GiGi you have described my life for the past 13 years. I am going to print this off and show him why I keep saying I feel like I am going crazy. Keep the bombshell posts coming. God bless you GiGi.

2. Gigi Says:
   October 9th, 2011 at 4:47 pm

   Callie thank you for your honesty Bombshell…this is not an easy topic for sure!! Sometimes just saying it out loud takes the power out of it and I hope you are feeling that peace right this minute my dear. It is not uncommon for people that have this to deny it…please let me know if I can be of help to you about how to approach the topic. Thank you again Bombshell!!XOXOGigi

3. Katherine C.H.E. Says:
   October 9th, 2011 at 9:53 pm

   You raise some good points that factor into ALL relationships — it is NEVER about fixing the other person. You either love the package or you do not. You either get what you want out of the relationship or you do not. There are real healing opportunities for both parties when things go awry, but to get the most out of the healing, BOTH parties need to be ready to heal.

   Thank you for starting such an important conversation, My Bombshell!! XOXO, Katherine.

4. Gigi Says:
   October 10th, 2011 at 1:51 pm

   Katherine THANK YOU Bombshell….well said my dear!! BOTH parties need to be ready to heal indeed…otherwise the exact situation shows up dressed in a different package! Let’s heed our “inner knowing” when it shows up so that we can live amazing Bombshell lives!! We are here to grow and change ourselves and no one else. Thank you for your comments Bombshell!!XOXOGigi

5. Debbie White Says:
   October 10th, 2011 at 2:23 pm

   O.M.G. Thanks for this Gigi. Well-written and a true representation of this. Crazytown is a great word for it too. Debbie L. White

6. Marianne Says:
   October 11th, 2011 at 8:32 am

   What I have learned in dealing with people is that if YOU want to be happy, you MUST MUST MUST focus on doing what makes you happy. If you focus on trying to shape people and circumstances to fit your idea of happiness, you will find it’s an exercise in futility. When you take focus off of yourself, and put it on others, you suffer.
   It may seem uncomfortable to put this in to practice, it may seem selfish and self centered at first… But once you see the results of focusing on only YOU, you’ll totally ‘get it’.

   When you start to live your life and do what makes you happy and proud, the people that belong in your life easily remain, and the ones that don’t belong seem to filter out on their own.

   If this guy, Paul, is giving her that much anxiety and stress, then Pattie is spending too much time on what HE is doing. Not enough time on what SHE needs. Try coming and going while answering to one person only. Try looking in the mirror (when you feel like you need him to compliment you) and say out loud “My Gosh! I look good!”. If you want to go to a party, GO. Who says you need him to come with you to make your night enjoyable??? Do you really want to depend on someone else for your happiness? – surely not!

   Pretty soon, the passive aggressive MANIPULATION will cease to work. he will either find someone else to manipulate, or realize that tagging along with you is so easy and peaceful and fun and stick around because he enjoys being there. And by this time…. You’ll not care either way, because you don’t need someone to complete your idea of happiness.

   Sorry for the rambling!

7. Gigi Says:
   October 11th, 2011 at 9:08 am

   Marianne thank you so much for your input Bombshell!! I love what you said about our Bombshell needing to learn that her happiness is up to her!! Many women that have been emotionally abused in this way are not necessarily looking at their spouse to make them happy… they are actually thinking that they are the ones that are crazy because the guy is one way one minute and different the next. They do not yet realize that this craziness is not normal because it has been their version of normal, so we start there. As she starts to see the patterns as “facts” then it is much easier for her to step away from “feelings” and see what is actually happening. Unfortunately for guys like “Paul”, when the Bombshell does start to move away from him toward the things that bring her joy, the behavior escalates and can become dangerous….so our “Pattie” must be very careful in planning her exit, for her safety and that of her children. If he doesn’t get help it will NOT go away on its own. So in the meantime I give Pattie some tools in her Bombshell toolbox that will help ease the stress of the Dr.Jekyl/Mr. Hyde, walking on eggshells existence…and moving toward joy is SO SO SO important. Thank you again Bombshell for your comments and insight my dear!!XOXOGigi

8. Gigi Says:
   October 11th, 2011 at 9:10 am

   Debbie thank you Bombshell!! Hope it gave you some insight my dear… when we know better we do better!!XOXOGigi

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